Growing Up Mayer
by CarolinaBlue
Summary: A series of snapshots of the Snyders learning about Noah's childhood.
1. Chapter 1

Growing Up Mayer

By Carolina Blue

Snapshots of the Snyders getting insight into Noah's childhood.

DISCLAIMER: I disclaim stuff.

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CHAPTER ONE: HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK

"Okay, ready or not, here we come!"

The sounds of giggling and hurried footsteps above his head drew Luke's attention. He turned to his partner in crime and nodded towards the stairs. "What do you think? Should we do our seeking upstairs?"

"Here we come!" Ethan shouted in response, tugging on Luke's hand, nearly pulling him up the steps. They came to a halt at the top, taking a second to scan the hallway, listening for clues. Ethan looked up at Luke and put his finger to his lips in an exaggerated quieting gesture. Luke had to stifle his laughter, nodding seriously back at his little brother. They tiptoed down the hallway, more for effect than actual stealth. Ethan and stealth were two things that just didn't belong together. The boy paused outside their parents' bedroom, listening hard, eyes widening. Luke fought off another laugh. He had to admit he was having fun, considering he hadn't exactly been thrilled when Lily and Holden had guilted him into babysitting tonight. Not when he and Noah had been planning to go out for dinner and a movie, and a walk to the pond. But of course, his boyfriend the Boy Scout had to say yes to his parents. Noah was such a pushover when it came to the Snyders (and yes, Luke was aware he himself was a part of that group).

A whisper of movement in the hallway bathroom brought Luke back to the game at hand. Peeking in, he saw a lanky, familiar shadow against the shower curtain. A-ha. Silently, he tapped Ethan on the shoulder. Putting his own finger to his lips, he then pointed towards the bathroom. Ethan nodded excitedly, moving to the door. Luke himself entered his parents' bedroom. Years of hide-and-go-seek had given him the knowledge of the best hiding places in the farmhouse, and there were really only two in this room. He checked under the bed. Nothing. That left the closet.

Luke threw open the door and spread his arms as wide as possible, catching Faith's sleeve as she tried to rocket past him to safety. "Gotcha!" he shouted, grabbing and pulling her close, ruffling her hair.

He expected her to yell at him, and so he was thrown when instead she held his arms tightly and cried out, "Now, Nat!" To his surprise, the lump of pillows on the bed came to life, and then his youngest sister was jumping up and running for downstairs and home base.

Luke had to admit, he was impressed with their strategy. He looked down at Faith. "Touché, Ms. Snyder," he ruffled her hair again before letting go.

Faith grinned triumphantly for a moment, fixing her hair, before her smile faltered. "Where's Noah?"

Luke paused, looking at her quizzically. Something in her tone was off. But before he could question her, a cartoon-monster-like roar was heard from the direction of the hallway bathroom, followed by the delighted shrieking of one Ethan Snyder. Luke couldn't help but smile at the sounds. "I think he's been found," he answered Faith, the loud, happy noises causing him to forget whatever he had been about to ask. Faith smiled too, even more so when they left the bedroom and found Noah waiting for them in the hall, Ethan hanging upside down from his shoulder.

"Found him!" Ethan called out, voice even more high pitched thanks to his precarious position, Noah swinging him around lightly.

"I can see that," Luke replied amiably, one arm still around Faith. "But we let Nat get by, so I don't think we won."

"Nope!" Natalie came bounding back up the stairs. "I won! What do I get?"

"Hmmmm," Luke pretended to think. He turned to Noah, who was helping Ethan climb back down to the floor. "What do you think, Noah? An earlier bed time? Extra brussel sprouts for breakfast?" He dodged Natalie when she tried to smack him.

"Luke, those are good prizes, but not _great_ prizes. I thought we'd wake her up at dawn and let her muck out the stalls," Noah said in complete seriousness, blue eyes giving nothing away. Faith and Ethan laughed.

"Guys," Natalie whined dramatically, hanging on Noah's shirt sleeve.

"Okay, fine," Luke sighed. "I guess you can pick the movie we watch before bed. Sound good?"

"Sweet!" She let go of Noah and pulled Faith down to the den.

"God, please, not Hannah Montana," Luke whispered his plea as he and Noah followed at a slower pace, Ethan hanging onto their arms and swinging between them every few steps. Thankfully Nat settled on _Wall-E_, which Luke and Noah were perfectly happy to watch, Noah especially. Luke had to admit he loved watching Noah watch movies. It was like discovering the stories all over again and watching them for the first time. No matter how many times Noah had seen a movie, no matter how many times he made Luke watch one with him… it was a gateway. Noah didn't have any childhood pictures- school portraits with a missing front tooth or the Halloween when he was eight and dressed up as Frank Sinatra (it was the blue eyes, it had to be)- didn't have any high school yearbooks or prom photos… but he had movies.

Luke smiled sweetly when Noah got into a more comfortable position, already captivated by a film he was seeing for the fourth time now. And he couldn't help but laugh when Natalie pointed out that Wall-E was just like Noah with his love of weird old movies. He wouldn't say it out loud, but Luke had thought the exact same thing the first time he had seen this- the sweet, shy, dorky, somewhat clueless loner falling in love for the first time. All Noah did was stick his tongue out at the giggling Snyder siblings.

Ethan fell asleep in Faith's lap about halfway through the movie, but everyone else was too comfortable to move, let alone take him upstairs. Once the credits rolled, Luke took Nat up to brush her teeth and get tucked in while Faith and Noah took care of Ethan. Luke sat on the edge of Natalie's bed as she got settled in, fluffing up the pillows to her satisfaction. "Did you have a good day today?" he asked. Natalie sometimes liked to recap her day to whoever tucked her in, and wouldn't go to sleep until she was done.

"Yeah," she said happily. "We ordered the good pizza tonight," (there were two pizza places in Oakdale, one Natalie liked and one that didn't make the crust thick enough for her liking), "and I like when you and Noah hang out with us."

"We like it too," he replied, knowing that these moments were why he let his parents and Noah talk him into babysitting.

"Hey Luke?" she was fiddling with her comforter now, avoiding his eyes.

Luke frowned, a little concerned. "What is it, Nat?"

"Will you tell Noah I'm sorry? For making him sad?"

Luke felt his stomach drop to his knees. What? "What do you mean? When was Noah sad?"

"When we were trying to find places to hide. I tried to get Noah to hide in Mommy and Daddy's closet, but he wouldn't. And he looked really upset for a second. Then he tried to say he wouldn't fit and he smiled, but…" her voice lowered to a hush. "I think he was lying."

"He was upset?" Luke was trying to wrap his brain around this.

"Yeah, a little. Like he was remembering a bad dream or something." Natalie shrugged. A thought popped into Luke's head unbidden, but before he could contemplate it further, Natalie turned her eyes up to him. "Will you make sure he's okay? I don't want him to be sad."

Luke smiled warmly. He really loved the pack of little monsters he called siblings. "I'll make sure, Nat."

"You promise?" she held out her pinky.

Luke linked his pinky with hers. "Promise." They both leaned in and kissed their thumbs- a double pinky swear- and then Luke planted one more kiss on Natalie's head, pulling the comforter up to her chin. "Night, Nat."

"Night Luke," she said quietly, already on her way drifting off to sleep.

Luke was careful closing the door behind him as he left, leaving it cracked open just a sliver. Natalie wasn't a fan of total darkness, but Faith couldn't sleep with a nightlight, so this had been a part of the peace treaty Noah himself had brokered when he had moved in and the girls started sharing a room. Speaking of which…

He made his way to Ethan's no-longer-allowed-to-be-called-a-nursery room (Ethan had emphatically informed everyone recently that he was a "big boy" now and didn't sleep in a nursery). The hushed voices inside made him pause just outside the doorway. He was a shameless eavesdropper, and he wasn't going to change his ways anytime soon. It was actually one voice talking, deep and soft, reciting the last lines of Goodnight Moon. He smiled giddily for a moment- Noah was reading a bedtime story. Ethan must have woken up. There was a moment or two of silence after Noah finished, some movement within the room, and then Noah spoke again. "I think he's asleep now."

"Thank God," Faith's quiet voice responded. "Sorry, I didn't think he'd wake up when I turned the light on."

"It's okay." Luke could practically hear the teasing smile in Noah's voice. "It was a good book, I've never read it before."

"You've never read Goodnight Moon?" Faith sounded incredulous. "How is that, like, even possible? Everyone's read it."

"Not me," Noah's voice was light and casual, how it always got when he talked to the girls about something unpleasant. "I didn't get read to a lot when I was little. At least, not that I can remember."

There was a longer pause, and Luke was about to make his presence known when Faith spoke up again. "Noah…" She was drawing the name out, hesitant, as though she was about to say something unpleasant herself.

"What's up, Snyder?" Faith had overheard Noah and Luke calling each other by their last names and teased them mercilessly about it until one day Noah began calling her 'Snyder' too. Luke wasn't sure if Noah knew just how much Faith actually loved it.

"Why did you get upset earlier? When we wanted you to hide in the closet?" There was a dead silence in the room and in the hallway. Luke bit his lip, inching even closer to the door. Just what had happened during that game?

"I…" it was obvious Noah didn't know how to answer. Oh, he probably knew the answer, but he definitely didn't know how to say it.

Faith continued, almost gently. For a second, she sounded like their mother. "I've never seen you sad like that before, except for when you think no one's watching."

_Wait, what?!_ Luke almost gave himself away right then and there. He would give all of his inherited money in that moment, just to see Noah's face. To be able to read his expression. The silence was killing him. And giving him a whole new set of thoughts to burrow into his brain. Noah looked sad when he thought no one was watching?

"Faith, what…?" Noah was having just as hard a time as Luke, apparently. "I don't…" Luke could picture him biting the inside of his cheek, scratching the back of his head. Maybe shifting his feet a little.

"I'm sorry, it's none of my business, I know." Faith was backing off. No, that wasn't good. Faith may be skilled at getting confessions from most people, but Noah wasn't most people. You had to press him to get him to talk. Luke sent his sister a hopefully telepathic signal to keep going at him. Maybe being a Snyder did come with some secret magical powers, because Faith must have gotten the message. "It's just… you don't have to be sad. Not anymore."

It was the 'not anymore' that probably got to Noah. "Faith…" he sighed. "It just reminded me of some stuff that I want to forget."

"About your dad?" Faith gently pushed again. Luke was impressed with both her interrogation skills and her intuition. She really wasn't a little kid anymore.

"Yeah. You know I had problems with my dad, right? You know he wasn't a nice guy?" Noah really had no idea how to explain this.

Luke almost snorted from his hiding spot. Faith actually did. "He was a jackass."

"Faith!" Noah almost yelped, but obviously remembered he was still in the same room as a sleeping Ethan. His voice lowered to a stage whisper, just this side of scolding. "You shouldn't be using that kind of language. Where did you-"

"That's what Dad called him. I heard him and Mom talking in their room one night. I know I can't repeat what Mom said."

Noah sighed. "Okay, just don't say that word around them, alright? Or your grandma."

"Even if it's true?"

"Even then, Snyder," Noah was firm. Luke stopped himself from getting mushy, thinking about how good of a parent Noah would be some day. Then he heard Noah give a little sigh again, this one definitely reluctant and sad. "Even if it's true… I didn't always have a good time growing up. There are some bad memories, you know?" Luke couldn't believe Noah could just gloss over things like that. He had had eighteen years basically alone with just a psychotic, controlling bigot for family, and he _didn't always have a good time_?

"Noah, you don't have to hide things from me just 'cause I'm young. I know I'm a kid, but I'm not _Ethan_ or anything. Even Natalie gets that you had a bad childhood." Once again, Luke blessed his and Faith's ability to complete a Snyder mind-meld.

Noah let out an abashed chuckle. "Sorry." There was a rustle of movement, and Luke again had to force himself not to peek in. He just wanted to see them. Were they standing? Was one of them sitting? Noah by the door, ready to run if he had to? Or did Faith have him cornered near the toy chest by the back window? Part of him was beginning to wonder, though, if he should interrupt. Maybe this was something Noah didn't want to share? But then Noah continued. "So my dad didn't really… he didn't like taking care of me. Unless it involved disciplining me." Another beat while Noah took a deep breath, and Luke could hear the slight hitch in the intake. Luke felt his stomach drop to somewhere below his kneecaps. Whatever this story was, it was painful.

"What does that have to do with the closet?" Faith asked, confused.

And then, suddenly, Luke was terrified that he had it figured out. That he knew why Noah had gotten upset. Oh God. He wasn't sure if this was something he wanted Faith to hear, or Noah to tell. He walked backwards a few feet, then coughed a little, taking deliberate steps towards the doorway to the not-nursery. "Hey," he called out quietly, mindful of his sleeping little brother. And there they were, Faith and Noah, sharing the big comfy loveseat that was next to Ethan's little bed. Noah had an arm around Faith's shoulders, and she was leaning into him just a little bit. They both looked up, faces schooled to innocence.

"Ethan woke up, we had to read to him," Faith explained quickly. Her deception skills still needed a little bit of work, but she was coming along nicely.

Luke smiled. "Big surprise," he said lightly, not giving anything away himself. He shook a finger at his sister. "It's pretty much past your bedtime, Monkey Breath. Do you need me to read to you too, or…?"

Faith was grinning even as she glared at him. "Shut up Nerd. I'll be fine on my own." She stood up from the chair, Noah mirroring her actions. She gave Luke a quick hug. "Night Luke," she said almost grudgingly. He ruffled her hair again, teasing her was just so much fun. Faith then turned to Noah. "Night Noah," she gave him a hug too.

"Goodnight Snyder," he said a little softer, giving her a full-on Noah Mayer smile. Both Faith and Luke melted at the sight of it.

Luke waited until Faith left the room before pulling Noah into a hug. He tried not to make it too tight, too frantic; he didn't want to give away what he was feeling just yet. Noah returned the hug gratefully, probably needing the release after such a surprisingly emotional night. They exited Ethan's not-nursery together, turning off the light and shutting the door behind them. Noah was about to turn left to head off to his room, but Luke caught his arm. "Hey." Noah's eyes widened a fraction as he turned back to Luke. He was afraid Luke knew. Luke smiled gently, lovingly, trying to put his boyfriend at ease. "Want to watch TV for awhile? I'm not all that tired yet."

Noah sighed a tiny sigh of relief. Maybe he thought he was safe, but Luke was only biding his time until the right moment, wasn't going to talk about it yet. "Sure." Noah pulled his arm out of Luke's hand just enough so that it slid down to his own, and they clasped hands tightly as they walked down the stairs and through the kitchen to the den.

They settled comfortably on the couch, Luke trying very very hard not to sit too close, touch him too much, still not ready to give anything away- Noah would get spooked and clam up if he did. So instead he sat next to his boyfriend, their sides resting against each other from shoulder to knee. Luke picked up the remote, switching out of habit to AMC. It was a good compromise between the two of them- classic moves that occasionally were made after 1955, although Noah would often bemoan the fact that a channel called American Movie Classics was now showing movies from the 90's like _True Lies_ and _Outbreak_. And then Luke would argue that those were awesome movies, which Noah would concede but then point out that they weren't _classics_. Classics withstood the test of time. "They might as well call it AM, not AMC," he would gripe way too passionately. And then Luke would kiss the dork just to shut him up.

But now wasn't one of those times. It was an old movie, a musical, two men singing and dancing in what looked like a hardware store or something. Noah chuckled almost immediately, while Luke tried to figure out where he had heard this particular song before. He looked over at Noah, puzzled, for help. Noah grinned. "It's _Hello, Dolly!_ from 1969. Gene Kelly directed it." Luke nodded slowly, eyebrows still raised. That told him nothing. Noah, still smiling, ducked his head a little so it rested comfortably against Luke's. "It was in _Wall-E_," he explained softly.

"Oh yeah!" Luke knew he'd heard that song before. He held his hand out to Noah like a claw, like Wall-E had done to Eve. Noah's smile softened, eyes lighting up in such a little kid way that Luke knew Noah had no idea what he looked like. Noah half-bashfully, half-teasingly threaded his fingers through Luke's. If anyone ever caught Luke doing things like this with anyone else he'd be totally embarrassed, but for some reason with Noah it always felt right. Felt perfect.

They sat holding hands for a few minutes, watching the movie, when Noah finally spoke up. "So how long were you eavesdropping on me and Faith?"

Luke almost choked on his own tongue. "What?" He shook his head. "I'm sorry- what?"

Noah was still smiling, though it was more timid now, expectant and resigned. "You heard me." Then he smirked. "And you heard me upstairs too, apparently."

"How did you know?" He couldn't believe Noah knew he had been in the hallway.

Noah shrugged. "Your timing coming into the room was way too perfect. And the whole casually-coughing-to-reveal-your-presence thing? Come on, that only works on TV." He was teasing him. Luke tried to wrap his brain around the idea that Noah was actually teasing him. Maybe he was hoping to throw Luke off track…

"Right after you finished Ethan's story," he answered the first question softly, giving Noah a pointed and knowing look.

Noah's smile slid away. "Oh… So. You heard pretty much everything." He turned back to the movie, though thankfully he didn't let go of Luke's hand.

Luke shifted his body so he was facing Noah more. Noah tensed ever so slightly, eyes still resolutely fixed on the screen. Okay, Teasing Time was definitely over. It was now time for the Heart-to-Heart Hour. "Were you going to tell Faith the real story?" Luke asked.

"No." Nothing moved except Noah's mouth. It didn't even look like he was breathing. "I mean, I wasn't going to lie. I just wasn't going to tell her everything. I was kind of hoping if I kept it vague she'd be satisfied enough to forget about it."

"We're Snyders, Noah. We forget nothing. Especially if it's something that upsets you." Luke was pretty sure neither Faith nor Natalie would ever try to get Noah near a closet again. He moved his free hand up to Noah's hair, brushing it back from his face. Noah closed his eyes involuntarily, leaning into the touch. "Do you want to tell me what happened? Earlier tonight, or when you were little?"

For awhile Noah didn't answer, and Luke let him take his time. "I-I'm not sure what you want me to say," he finally admitted.

Luke tried not to sigh. He wasn't sure if Noah really felt like this or was just trying to deflect. Probably both. "It's not about what I want. It's about talking through whatever got you so upset. So you can heal."

Noah whipped his head around to stare at Luke, eyes somewhere between hurt and defensive. Oops. Maybe a poor choice of words. "I'm not _broken_, Luke." He spat the word out. "I'm not sick. Or defective, or-"

"Noah!" Luke grabbed his face in both of his hands. He forced Noah to look him in the eyes. He spoke slowly, carefully, determined to get through to his boyfriend. "I know you're not any of those things. And I never will, no matter what you tell me." Noah flinched, but Luke kept their eyes focused on each other. "I love you, every bit of you, every conceivable inch, no matter what. Whatever happened…" he slowly rubbed one thumb against Noah's stubbly cheek. "That doesn't change. It doesn't change the incredible person that you are, it doesn't change how I feel about you." He moved in close, giving an oh-so-light kiss to Noah's lips. "If I want anything, it's for you to feel okay talking to me about this stuff. I want you to know I won't judge you, or… or pity you, or turn you away or anything."

"Yeah?" They both ignored the way Noah's voice cracked on that one syllable.

"Nothing but love, baby," Luke teased gently. Noah gave a short huff of laughter, closing his eyes for a bit. When he reopened them, he looked a little calmer, a little sturdier. Luke smiled, putting as much love in it as possible. "Talk to me. Please?"

Noah took a deep breath, nodded. Luke found himself nodding along, encouraging. "It was a hallway closet," he finally said. Luke felt his brow furrow just a little, like he had been dropped into the middle of the conversation. But he gave himself credit for keeping quiet. He let go of Noah's face and gently took his hand instead, anchoring him. Noah was still facing him, eyes still at least pointed in the direction of his, but whatever he was looking at definitely wasn't his boyfriend. Noah was staring at nothing. Or, maybe, everything. "When he was mad, when I acted up, when I- when I did something wrong… We lived on at least eight different bases over the years. But every house was the same. And every house had a hallway closet."

"Noah," Luke sighed out his name. He could see where this was going, and he was already trying not to cry.

Noah's face was still so stoic, but Luke knew that's how he got when he was trying not to be upset. "He'd yell at me, tell me what I did wrong, how I disappointed him. Then he'd grab my arm or my neck-" Luke closed his eyes for a moment. Somewhere in the back of his mind he'd always thought the Colonel had to have been more physically abusive than Noah had let on. He wasn't sure if he had actually ever hit Noah, or if Noah would ever admit if he had, but either way he hated it. Noah continued, unaware of Luke's train of thought. "-And he'd drag me over to the hallway closet. It was always under the stairs, too. Every damn house had the same damn layout. He would shove me in and lock the door." He swallowed thickly, Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "And I'd have to spend the night in there. Or longer, if I hadn't learned my lesson."

Luke wasn't sure what to do, but he figured sobbing like a baby wasn't a good idea right now. He blinked hard a few times, trying to remember how to breathe normally. One hand was still holding one of Noah's, the other moving up to his shoulder, rubbing it gently. Noah's free hand reached out and lightly held the bottom of Luke's sweater, played with the hem. "How long-?" Luke's voice was hoarse, as though he had been the one doing all the talking.

"I don't know when he started doing it. I was… six? Maybe? Or five? I can't remember the first time, they all kind of start to blend together after awhile. I just remember it being pitch black. And so quiet. And it doesn't matter what I did- yell, try to bust the door open- I never got out until he decided I could." This was a lot of words for Noah, Luke kind of couldn't believe he had the lung capacity for this much talk at one time. "And you know what? There was never anything in there with me. Except for one time, this cockroach kept… No blankets in the winter or fans in the summer. No food or drinks. No light- he'd take the light bulb out as soon as we'd move in to a place. Make me watch him do it too, so I wouldn't forget what happens when I mess up." He gave an imitation smile. It wasn't a Noah Mayer smile. It was dark, sad, ashamed. "Don't think I don't see the parallel- my dad punishing me by locking me in a closet."

Luke felt a tear slide down his face, but didn't dare let go of Noah to wipe it away. "God, I don't…"

But Noah wasn't listening, still with that faraway gaze harnessed in his eyes. "He stopped it sometime around when I started high school. I think I was finally getting too tall." A careful shrug. "Anyway, I don't like the dark all that much. Or closed-in spaces." Another smile, this one trying for humor and failing spectacularly. "I guess hide-and-seek wasn't the smartest game for me to play with your sisters. I didn't upset them, did I? I didn't scare them?" There was worry and a little bit of sadness in his eyes now. Noah was slowly coming back to him.

Worry and sadness for Luke's family. God, he loved him. "Oh, baby, no- you didn't scare them. The girls just care a lot about you, that's all. They don't like seeing you sad. Natalie wanted me to tell you she was sorry."

"I'm fine," Noah insisted automatically. "That was a long time ago. And it's not like it could ever happen again. I'm definitely too tall now."

Luke slid his hand up from Noah's shoulder to the side of his face. "Stop."

Noah blinked heavily, almost sleepily. He was back with Luke, back in the present, glancing around as though he forgot where he was. Then he looked over at Luke, expression softening. "You're crying," he said disbelievingly, like he didn't understand why. After a moment's hesitation, he reached up to brush Luke's tears away.

Luke nodded hesitantly, trying to get all of his thoughts and emotions under control. "Don't… please don't joke about this. Not right now, okay? I need…" he sighed, running his hands through his own hair before moving them back to Noah, on either side of his neck, cradling his face. "I can't believe he did that to you. God, I want to kill him."

"Too late for that," Noah spoke without thinking. They both flinched and looked away, the Colonel had only been dead for a few months. Luke wished the bastard was alive so he could yell at him for ever scarring Noah like this and then kill him himself. Noah was still just trying to figure out exactly what he felt about his father's death, hoping Luke didn't think he meant anything by the "too late" thing. He didn't blame Luke, he never had. God, when was he going to stop screwing everything up?

Noah looked like he had no idea what to say next, and he seemed startled out of his thoughts by the back of Luke's hand on his forehead, gently sliding downwards past his eyebrow and the scar he had never explained to his jaw, running along the five o'clock shadow he sometimes got. Luke had never told him how much he loved that look on Noah, but he really really did. "I want you to listen to me, okay? I'm so sorry that stuff happened to you." Noah looked down, breaking eye contact. Luke let him, kissing the very top of his head. "Nothing like that is ever going to… no one is ever going to treat you like that again. I promise," he murmured into the chocolaty-dark hair.

"I know," came the soft reply. After awhile Noah looked up at him again, eyes somehow both impossibly young and impossibly old at the same time. "Luke… I know some of the stuff I went through was bad and it still messes me up sometimes, but…" he reached out and took Luke's hands in his, holding them close. Both boys almost instantly, unconsciously, began rubbing their thumbs along the other's knuckles. Noah cleared his throat before continuing. "But I _am_ happy now. That's all that matters to me, understand? You and your family-" this time he leaned in for the kiss, warm and loving against Luke's lips. Luke wished he could have the taste of him around all the time. Better than candy. "-You make up for all that. I don't care what happened then, because I have all of you now."

He said it so simply, so honestly, that Luke was sure his heart was breaking and growing at the same time. "We love you too," Luke whispered, not trusting his voice to go any louder. "_I_ love you, Noah."

"Same here," Noah's voice dropped to the same volume, caught in the same spell Luke was under. They kissed again, taking their time with it, each finding the assurance they were looking for. Luke couldn't help deepening it, especially when Noah breathed in almost desperately through his nose, like he needed air but just couldn't break the kiss. And when he let out that quiet little hum of pleasure, it sparked a buzz all the way through Luke's body.

When they did finally come up for air, Noah took another deep breath, resting his forehead against Luke's, smiling rather sleepily. Luke could understand the feeling- this entire night had turned out a bit more exhausting than they had been prepared for. Luke gave him another quick kiss before settling back on the couch. He put one arm around Noah, the hand coming up to pull Noah's head down to rest on his shoulder. Noah complied easily, twisting his body a little so he could wrap his arm around Luke's middle, burrowing in even closer.

They both came to an unspoken agreement and turned back to watch the rest of _Hello Dolly!_ Luke found himself drawn to the scene- a man and a woman in a park singing one of those old-fashioned movie-musical love songs to each other. "This song was in _Wall-E_ too, wasn't it?" he asked softly, his fingers somehow combing through Noah's hair of their own accord.

"Yeah," Noah mumbled, his voice getting deeper as sleep started to overtake him. He tightened his grasp on Luke with a sigh, rubbing his face into the soft material of Luke's shirt as those fingers continued making their way through his hair over and over. Luke almost laughed but didn't want to startle him. Noah really was like an overgrown puppy sometimes- get him close and pet him for a little while, and he was a pile of sleepy affection in your lap. And Luke would never, ever complain. Noah was nearly gone now, just barely humming along with the song, one finger tapping the rhythm of it onto Luke's ribcage. That's when the lyrics worked their way into Luke's brain.

And wow, were those some corny song lyrics. But he smiled, brushing another kiss onto Noah's forehead. Noah smiled too and pushed himself up just enough to get his face- his mouth- level with Luke's. They stared at each other for a moment as the song finished on the TV in front of them.

"_And that is all  
_

_That love's about_

And we'll recall when time runs out

That it only took a moment  


_To be loved a whole life long."_

Noah's blue eyes brightened just a little, recognizing the pure cheesiness of all of this and obviously not caring. Luke definitely didn't care either. Neither could be sure who leaned in first for this kiss, but they both knew they weren't going to be the one to pull away. Neither wanted to let go. So neither did.

The

End

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So that's the end of that oneshot, I've got a bunch more to come, I hope. I'll probably start writing them once "Sins of the Father" is done!


	2. Chapter 2

Growing Up Mayer

By Carolina Blue

Snapshots of the Snyders getting insight into Noah's childhood.

DISCLAIMER: I disclaim stuff.

A second chapter! This one takes place while Noah is staying with the Snyders during that first Christmas. And one warning- I searched and searched but couldn't really find anything about Emma's life before 1985. So I made stuff up.

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CHAPTER TWO: PANCAKE BREAKFAST

Emma was halfway down the stairs when she heard a noise coming from the kitchen. She went still for a moment, listening hard, instincts warring between caution and exasperation. It was either an intruder or a sneaky Snyder going for an unauthorized snack. The fridge opening and closing told her it was probably the latter, but her frown melted into confusion when she heard a pan hit the stove. _What? _Who in this family would be cooking at this hour? _Or, _she amended, _at all?_

She eased the stairway door open, intent on reprimanding whoever was using her kitchen without permission, but immediately froze at the bottom step, staring. Out of all those scenarios, this was not one she had been expecting. There was their newest house guest, young Noah Mayer. Making pancakes.

She watched him for a moment, one of the few times she could observe the boy completely alone. Usually when everyone was together he clung pretty tightly to Luke, almost always sitting or standing a half step behind him, obviously intimidated by the big crazy Snyder clan.

She had to admit, she'd never seen anyone over six feet tall make himself that inconspicuous around people. And he was so quiet. Emma was pretty sure she'd never had a real one-on-one conversation with him. In fact, the only people Noah really made himself available for were Luke and the girls. Everyone else, he seemed to avoid being alone with, but for her grandchildren…

She'd seen him telling jokes to Faith and Natalie, listening to all their stories with an infinite amount of patience, never complaining when they dragged him out to the barn. She'd seen him talking quietly with Luke, her grandson with that giddy grin on his face and Noah with that bashful smile she'd grown accustomed to seeing on him. She'd seen them hold hands, walk together (because Luke could walk now, she'd never get over that), kiss each other. But she'd never seen Noah really interact with Holden or Lily. And not herself either.

That fact alone made Emma consider Noah with some caution even now. She was grateful and truly admired him for sticking by Luke during the paralysis, and she knew her grandchildren completely adored him- she had recently caught Faith and Natalie arguing about what to get him for Christmas- but a part of her still just wasn't sure what to make of Noah. There was so much that she, they, maybe even Luke, didn't know about him. That concerned her, made her a little wary of this boy who had unintentionally brought so much change to her family.

But as she watched him now, she couldn't stop a small smile from appearing on her face. Noah was using the same amount of focus and determination to make these pancakes as she usually equated with doctors performing brain surgery. He was very deliberate and sure with his measurements and movements; it was probably the most confident she had ever seen him behave.

Emma realized then that he was frowning, looking around for something. Eyeing his progress, she guessed what it was. "It's on the pegboard behind you," she called out softly.

He nearly dropped the bowl he had been holding, managing to save it at the last second and set it on the counter, his head whipping up to look at her. "I… what?"

Well, the confidence was definitely gone now. Emma smiled a little wider at the stammer and three-alarm-fire-blush that now stained Noah's cheeks. She finally moved from the last step fully into the kitchen, wrapping her robe tighter around herself. The winter morning was already seeping cold air into the house, and she frowned a little when she rounded the kitchen island and saw that Noah was barefoot. Did he want to get sick? Keeping quiet for now, she reached behind him and pulled the whisk free of the pegboard. "Here you go."

She held it out to him, but he didn't take it right away, still blushing fiercely. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Make pancakes?" she finished, teasing a little. "Then this was a happy accident, wasn't it?" She nodded to the bowl of batter on the counter. "Miraculous, even."

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'll clean everything up, I promise. I'll put everything back where I found-"

"Noah, dear, even I'm not this neat when I cook," she tried to put him more at ease. Maybe if he relaxed a little around her, she could get to know him better. She eyed him now, standing ramrod straight, hands clasped together and head bowed just a little. Like he was standing at attention, she realized sadly, waiting to be reprimanded. "It's okay. You just surprised me, that's all."

He did relax just a bit, but still wasn't meeting her eyes. "I can replace what I used, if you…"

She shook her head with a maternal sigh. "I'm not angry, Noah," she tried smiling to prove her point. "Just surprised. What are you doing up so early?"

He shrugged, finally taking the whisk from her so he could finish stirring the pancake batter. "I promised Luke I'd make them for him for breakfast."

"That grandson of mine made you get up at five thirty just to make him breakfast?" she asked, ready to take that whisk upstairs and smack said grandson in the head.

Noah's eyes went comically wide. "No, no, we had a deal. I told him I'd make him breakfast if he did all of his therapy exercises." He shook his head. "I just woke up early, so I figured I'd start now. Luke said it would be okay to use the kitchen, but if you-"

She held up a hand, fighting back her smile again. Since walking again, Luke had been pretty against keeping up with his physical therapy, fighting everyone on his exercises, deciding he was all better. If Noah had managed to find a way to convince him, then it was just one more thing she would be grateful for. "Please, honey, keep doing what you're doing. I'll get the coffee ready."

He nodded, not meeting her eyes again. He pointed to the other end of the counter. The bag of coffee beans was already sitting next to the grinder. "I, uh, got them from the basement for you," he looked uncertain, wondering if he had overstepped his bounds.

Emma melted just a little, still smiling. She wanted to lean up and kiss his cheek but wasn't sure if either of them were there yet. So instead she patted his arm warmly and set about making the coffee, keeping an eye on Noah as she did so. He quietly went back to his task, mixing in a few more ingredients as he stirred before turning to the stove, pouring little circles of batter with precision. "You really know what you're doing there," she commented, more a statement than a question.

"Yes ma'am," he answered anyway. "My specialty."

Was that a hint of pride in his voice? She leaned back against the counter. "Where'd you learn to cook?"

He blushed again. "I don't know, different places. TV some. And I started working in the mess halls on bases when I was thirteen." He shrugged, obviously a little uncomfortable. "I learned to make pancakes when I was six. My babysitter, Mrs. Widdowes, taught me. By the time we moved the next year I could make them on my own."

While he poured more batter onto the skillet, Emma went back to the coffee grinder, trying to read between the lines of his answer. "Did you cook for yourself a lot?" she asked, purposefully keeping her focus on the coffee.

She saw him go still out of the corner of her eye, struggling to come up with a response. "Not a lot," he finally said. "When I felt like it, or got sick of take out or the mess hall." He paused, a small smile creeping onto his face. Emma marveled at the sight, it made him look years younger. "But Sundays, I made pancakes. From when I was seven until… well, until I came here. It was my thing, just for me. Like, like a treat to look forward to, you know?" He looked over to her, but then suddenly seemed to remember who he was talking to and blushed again, looking down.

"Well, if they taste as good as these smell, then they were definitely worth looking forward to," she tried to rescue him, returning to his side with two mugs of fresh coffee. She sat one in front of him, smiling at his quiet 'thank you' and wrapped her hands around her own mug. "So who cooked for you during the week?"

He shrugged once again, flipping a few pancakes over. "I got really good at peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," his smile was embarrassed now, pained, and it hurt Emma's heart more than she thought it would. She thought back on Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, how much less he had eaten than Luke and the men at the table. At the time she had attributed it to nerves and overly-proper table manners, but now she had to wonder… _Honestly, I've never seen so much food at one time before_. Hadn't he said that?

Emma cleared her throat, reminding herself that this wasn't one of her grandchildren she could talk with about anything. Even if she was suddenly bursting with curiosity. "Happens to be my favorite sandwich," she said cheerily, pulling some juice and jam out of the fridge.

Noah's answering smile was polite but timid, as if he thought she was just humoring him. "It wasn't like I was Oliver Twist," he explained unnecessarily. "I just took care of myself, that's all. I was old enough."

She didn't want to point out that the age of seven was not 'old enough' in her book, so she kept quiet. Emma couldn't even picture her own grandchildren having to cook, to fend for themselves, at that age. A child shouldn't have to. What kind of parent would-

Oh. Right. For a moment Emma had forgotten just whose son she was talking to. To cover up her own sadness, she decided to change the subject. "So how was your first Snyder Christmas?" she asked, getting the strips of bacon ready to fry. "Did you have fun?" She honestly didn't know- he had smiled and laughed a lot during the holidays, but also seemed so lost and bewildered by it all at the same time.

"Yes ma'am, it was amazing," he answered immediately.

She looked over at him again to see if the answer was for real, but he was busy loading up plates and a serving tray with the pancakes. "You sure we didn't scare you too much?" she half-teased.

He laughed a little then, genuinely, and she smiled at the sound. "No ma'am, not too much. They're all so great, really. I mean, I never really thought people celebrated holidays like this."

"Like what?" she asked curiously, hip resting against the sink, watching him start up another batch of pancakes.

He bit his lower lip as he worked, embarrassed again. "Like it is in movies and TV. With lots of people and food and lots of presents. Toys everywhere. _It's a Wonderful Life_ and all that. I've never seen anything like it. It's… nice."

She was distracted for a moment watching him pour batter. The three circles were smaller and closer together. She wanted to warn him that they'd end up touching by the time they were done, but she didn't want to embarrass him further, not when she was finally getting him to talk one-on-one. Her mind on the food, she asked the next question without thinking. "What were holidays like for you before this?"

He flinched. Very quickly and lightly, but it was a flinch nonetheless. Emma busied herself getting biscuits and toast together, wishing she could reach out and snatch the question back out of the air.

Noah poured more batter. Again, the circles were too close together. Maybe he was distracted too. "It was just me and the Colonel," he finally answered, very carefully. "So, not much fun. Not many toys or carols or anything."

"You didn't get presents?" she had to ask.

Another shrug. "I got them when I earned them," it was almost like he was reciting a rule. "Usually clothes or a check once I got too old for toys."

She had to wonder what age was 'too old' for toys, and decided the answer probably differed between the Mayer and Snyder households. She silently refilled her coffee, adding a cinnamon stick this time. She dropped another stick in Noah's half-empty mug, and the appreciative smile he gave her for that warmed her more than the coffee ever could. "No other family ever came by?" she had the courage to ask then.

He shook his head, using the cinnamon stick to stir the coffee with one hand. His other hand carefully flipped over the pancakes. Like she had predicted, the three circles were now connected, though Noah didn't seem to mind. In fact, it looked like he was being careful to make sure they stayed that way. Wondering what that was all about almost caused her to miss his answer. "My dad was an only child, I think." _You think?_ Emma wanted to ask but didn't. "His parents died before I was born. And my mom's family…" He flipped over three more connected circles. "I've never met them. She has a sister, apparently. I don't know if there's more. Or if they have kids. Or if her parents are alive." He shrugged stiffly, mechanically.

As a grandmother, Emma couldn't believe that Cheri's parents were alive. It just wasn't possible. How could they be, if they hadn't tried to contact their own grandchild? They had to know Noah was alive, was in Oakdale, if Cheri's sister had been able to send that box here. So why hadn't they come to see him? Their own grandchild… No, grandma logic told Emma that Cheri's parents must be gone too.

But again, she said nothing. It wasn't her place. And she probably wasn't thinking anything Noah hadn't gone over in his own head a hundred times already. _No wonder he's so quiet_, she thought to herself then. Poor kid had too many thoughts going on up in that brain of his. She wondered if he'd ever had a reason to celebrate the holidays before. A part of her was dying to know when he had learned there was no Santa Claus, but a larger part of her would probably die at knowing the answer.

"Have you thought about contacting your aunt?" she asked, cracking open an egg into her own bowl.

Noah rinsed off the whisk he had been using before handing it over to her so she could begin scrambling the eggs. "I've thought about it, but…"

"But?" she prompted after he trailed off.

"But," he repeated. "I don't think I can. Or should."

"Why on earth not?" Emma couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want a boy like this in their family- someone who got up at dawn just to make pancakes for her grandson, who made sure to get the coffee beans out of the basement for her, who thought to rinse off a whisk and give it to her without being asked.

Noah was standing off to the side, staring down into his coffee. "I'm not a reminder of anything good." It was stated so matter-of-factly Emma almost flinched herself. "I can't bring her back for them. I didn't know her. I don't look like her or sound like her. Pretty sure I don't act like her. Why would they want me around? The only thing I'd remind them of is all the stuff my father did to their family, how he hurt them. I don't understand-" he cut himself off, taking a step away from the counter and gripping his mug tightly.

And suddenly Emma had to wonder if they were talking about Cheri's family anymore. There it was- why Noah was so nervous around the adults in this house. Why he hid behind Luke, took shelter in the corners of rooms. Why he had looked so shocked when he found out there were presents for him under the Christmas tree. "We don't blame you, sweetie."

His head shot up to stare at her, and the look on his face and in his eyes very nearly brought Emma to her knees. "But-"

"No, Noah. No one in this family blames you for your father. No one." She dared to take a step closer, and Noah was too stunned to move away. "And you shouldn't either."

His eyes were even bluer when he was near tears, she learned. "I'm just so sorry," he said quietly. "If I hadn't-"

"No," she cut in again, firm but just as quiet. She reached up and up to grip his chin. "That- none of that- was your fault. What happened was horrible and I can't even begin to imagine what you and Luke had to go through. But believe me, the people in this family know that one can't be judged by the actions of another. Even if they're related." After a pause, "Sometimes especially if they're related." She waggled his chin a little when he attempted a smile. "Stop worrying about that, hon. You've done nothing to make us even consider hating you. In fact, I'd think the opposite, with all the help you've given Luke." She smiled gently, confessing quieter, "I don't know if he'd walking right now if it weren't for you."

Noah quickly backed out of her touch, shaking his head. Shaking his entire body, almost. And she knew what he was thinking- that Luke wouldn't have been in the wheelchair at all if it weren't for him. Emma wondered if or how she'd ever be able to convince Noah otherwise. But Noah continued to argue another point. "Yes he would. He'd walk. It's Luke, he… he's way too… he can't _not_…"

Emma laughed then. "Yes, that's how I describe him too." She pulled Noah by the hand back to the counter so she could finish scrambling the eggs. "But this time, I think he fought for you. So I will too. You're good and stuck with the Snyders now, Noah Mayer. Get used to it." She shook the whisk at him.

He sort of laughed as he coughed, averting his eyes and staring down at his stack of freshly-made pancakes. "I, um… I don't know how to thank you. For letting me stay here and for letting me…" he trailed off, gathering his courage. "For letting me be with Luke. Even if you don't think I'm-"

"Oh, honey, don't even finish that sentence, whatever it is." She dropped the whisk into the bowl so she could plant one hand on her hip, giving him her best Grandma Glare. "I want to get something clear with you right now. I have never had any problem with you and Luke being together. You make each other happy, you make each other sane and safe, and that's all I can ask for. That's all the thanks I need."

Noah shook his head a little, though it wasn't in denial this time. "No, I just… you all mean so much to him, you know? You're a _family._ And the fact that you don't seem to- to disapprove of me makes him feel better, I think. And I need him to feel better," he smiled, giving half a laugh that was tinged in sadness. "I need him. Without him I pretty much have nothing, so…"

Emma smiled into the scrambled eggs, setting them on the skillet just as the bacon finished frying. "Noah, you have so much more than that now. I hope you realize that someday soon." She continued talking without looking up at him. "Before I met Harvey, Holden's father, I thought I had nothing in my world. It was a year. A whole year between my parents dying and meeting Harvey."

"Your parents?" Noah asked, hesitant again.

She nodded, slicing up the banana that would serve as Ethan's breakfast. "A car accident when I was eighteen. And then for a whole year, I was absolutely nowhere. I had no idea where to go, what to do. Who I was going to be." She could feel Noah's gaze on her, but she continued preparing food for her family. "It was very scary, I remember. All my friends and everyone else my age getting ready for the future, and I had no one to show me what I was supposed to do."

"And then you met Harvey?" came the soft question. Soft, but knowing.

Emma couldn't help but smile at the thought of her departed husband. "Yes. Oh, I'd never met anyone like him before. I was so shy and could barely speak around him, but he just seemed to know."

"Know what?" Noah handed her a towel to wipe her hands on.

"Thank you, dear." She tossed the towel onto the side of the counter. "He knew we were going to be together. I could never figure out how he was so sure, but he was. And he was right, wasn't he? We were together for a few years, then married, and then we had Seth- Holden's oldest brother- not long after that."

"But he died too," Noah's voice was still so quiet. He was gathering some things of his own out of the fridge for his pancakes.

"He did. But he gave me a whole host of beautiful children to carry on with. He gave me a family," Emma's smile seemed to startle Noah. "That's enough for me."

"You never thought about remarrying?"

She laughed a little. "Thought about, yes. Even came close once or twice. But," she sighed airily. "It was never meant to be with me. I never found anyone else I felt as strongly about as I did Harvey." Off the worried look he was giving her now, "Oh, I'm not sad about that. Look around here, Noah. I've got a wonderful family and a beautiful home I'm proud of. I'm so happy." She looked at him pointedly now, commanding his attention. "I couldn't see it then, but I ended up being who I was always supposed to be. And I was _never_ alone again."

His eyes were that bright blue again, but no tears ever fell. "I'm glad," he whispered, nodding a little when she nodded.

Emma watched him as he put the two sets of connected pancakes on their own plates. And suddenly she recognized the shape. "Is that Mickey Mouse?" All serious thoughts fled from her mind.

She'd never seen anyone blush so quickly before. "Faith and Natalie," he explained quickly, almost stuttering. "They helped me get Luke to do the exercises yesterday, so… I, um, wanted to thank them." The pancakes were in the shape of Mickey Mouse. Oh, sweet Lord.

She grinned up at him, pinching his bright red cheek. "Like I said, good and stuck with us." Emma finally took pity on him them and let him finish up loading everything on the tray- four plates of pancakes (she was more than a little relieved that he did have a plate for himself), butter and syrup. Then he poured three glasses of orange juice and one glass of half-orange, half-apple juice. Emma blinked, surprised that he even knew how Natalie liked her juice, let alone would think to prepare it for her. No wonder those girls had a crush on him. _No wonder Luke does too._

It wasn't until he was taking the first step up to the second floor that Emma realized that he'd left some pancakes behind. "Noah, you forgot a plate," she called out.

He stopped on that first step and turned, looking at her much like she had done to him when she first came down to the kitchen. Then he smiled, and it was such a sweet and unassuming smile that Emma suddenly had an urge to bake a hundred cookies for this boy. Noah shook his head. "I didn't forget. Those are for you." And then he was gone before Emma could respond.

She needed a moment to collect herself. _Oh yes. He's a keeper._

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Holden hurried up the stairs as quietly as possible, not wanting to disturb the house full of people probably still sleeping. Except his mother, of course. Though he was surprised he hadn't run into her in the kitchen. Usually she was there with breakfast almost ready to be laid out when he was done with his morning barn work, and he'd help her with whatever was left after a quick shower and change of clothes. This morning the breakfast was all done, but there was no sign of Emma.

He turned the hallway corner, and suddenly there she was. Emma was standing very still and quiet right outside the door to Luke's room, peaking in as carefully as possible. Holden's first instinct was to shake his head, assuming that somehow Noah and Luke had tried to test the boundaries of his mother's rules. He stepped forward, coming to a stop right behind Emma's shoulder. And what he saw brought a surprised, wide smile to his face.

Luke and Noah were there together, on Luke's bed. But Holden wasn't concerned- and knew Emma wasn't upset- because sitting with them were two very animated girls re-telling some story for probably the seventeenth time. Luke was leaning back against the headboard, rolling his eyes in exasperation as Faith spoke excitedly. She was sitting next to him, her elbow digging pointedly into his side. Noah sat cross-legged across from them, his bare feet just barely grazing Luke's, while Natalie was happily perched in his lap, bouncing up and down a little as she chimed in with Faith's story. All four kids were eating pancakes.

"Mama?" he whispered, drawing her attention away. "You playing secret chaperone?"

She turned and shushed him frantically, pulling him down the hall so they could talk. "Noah made them breakfast," she told him, eyes shining.

Holden was still smiling, but he was very puzzled. Was that supposed to explain everything? "Okay," he drew the word out slowly, studying her face. Then he saw it. "You had the Moment, didn't you?"

She frowned indignantly. "What moment?"

He was grinning now. "The Moment with a capital M. Noah passed your test, and now you want to adopt him."

"Holden Snyder, I have no idea what you're talking about," she was smiling too, though she tried to remain stern. "I certainly don't have a 'test' or-"

Holden put his arm around his mother, leading her back down to the kitchen. "Sure, sure, Mama. Why don't we get the table set and you can tell me all about it." They paused in the doorway to Luke's room again, just as Faith jumped on Luke in a vicious tickle attack, Noah and Nat cheering her on. Holden almost laughed out loud- Faith probably had no idea what Noah meant when he called out for her to 'sweep the leg.'

The gleeful sounds followed Holden and Emma down the stairs. Holden fake-sighed as he entered the kitchen. "This house is going to get pretty full," he warned his mother. Both of them were still smiling.

Emma just shook her head, putting down a plate of pancakes next to her place at the table. She looked down at the plate, her smile somehow both happy and sad. She thought back on everything she had thought about Noah before this morning, and everything she thought after. She thought of the seven-year-old boy she'd never be able to rescue, and the eighteen-year-old she had a shot at helping now. Then she looked up at her son. "It's okay if the house runs out of room, honey, just as long as the family never does."

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The End! Chapter 3 will be forthcoming at some point, it's going to be called "Chicken Noodle Soup," featuring Noah and Lily.


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